Toxic Relationships. Why do we go back?

Why do we always go back?

Why do we always go back to relationships that fell apart? Why do we go back to people that have hurt us? Why do we go back when it clearly never worked out in the first place? Why do we keep trying when we know the outcome? Why are we attracted to toxic, dead end, and no good relationships and people?

It is simple: We are creatures of habit.

We go back because it’s easy. They know everything about you. Despite the bad memories, there are just as many good ones: the times you cried from laughing so hard, the amazing dates, the times when you shared the deepest, darkest corners of your heart. But just as much good, there is bad. The bad is where the issue is.

We make it easy to fall back into these situations because we allow these people to come in and out as they please. This is where we are wrong. This is where we make the first mistake. We convince ourselves that “this time is different” “they have really changed” “they apologized” “they won’t make the mistakes again” “we love each other” – see the thing is – if it was right in the first place, none of those bad things would have happened. I do not believe that two people can be truly in love with one another and manage to hurt the other person, and continue to do so. Why would you want that for your future? Each time you take this person back, every time you believe the words and not see action, every time you ask yourself why – each of these times – each of these moments – this causes a block for something better. For growth.

Kick the bad habit!

Bad habits are difficult to break. Change is uncomfortable. I get it. No one likes doing something they won’t already know the outcome of. But you can’t live like that. Not for dating, relationships, career, etc. Nothing in life worth having will ever come easy or comfortable. So yeah, it’s easy to go back to someone with hope that things will be different this time. But, more often than not, it doesn’t. It will seem nice and new at first but then as the dust settles, the problems resurface and then you’re back to square one again.

Now I’m not trying to imply that some people don’t change or that trying again with a loved one is a waste of time. Not at all. It’s just that sometimes, two people just don’t work. Sometimes you just have to walk away. And, no matter how much you care about someone, no matter how much you love them, sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Yeah, that hurts. Yeah, that sucks to realize. But honestly, that’s life.

But I love them…I think?

Yep. You may. But it is the idea of them that you love. Not them. Real love isn’t supposed to be fucky. It isn’t supposed to just come and go. It isn’t supposed to hurt or be painful. Plain and simple. But it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you love someone. Common sense leaves our brain and the blinders come on. Your mentality shifts; it isn’t about you anymore. It’s about them. Your world becomes their world. Their would becomes yours. You are embedded with one another and the idea of doing that with someone else other than someone you were familiar with is frightening because it is uncharted territory.

This makes dating daunting and frightening. Relationships take a lot of effort. It takes a lot of work. Opening ourselves up to someone new inevitably comes with the potential to be hurt again. It’s scary, and that fear alone is enough to keep people at bay. Plus, why start over with someone new when our former toxic/hurtful partner already knows us so well? This is what makes it so easy to run back to someone familiar. When you’ve had some distance from someone, it’s easy to romanticize the good memories until, suddenly, the bad memories are less significant. After all, repressing negative emotions is a tool we use to protect ourselves from re-experiencing trauma.

What if I can’t let go?

This is the moment you need a slap in the face. I said it. Either slap yourself or find a friend to do it for you. You need to realize that you’ve been at this three, four, five times…and every single time, it hasn’t worked. There is a reason for this. They hurt you. You hurt them. And you should respect yourself enough to not allow a vicious cycle of hurt and pain by someone that is claiming to “love you”.

This is when you grow up. Look beyond yourself and what you want temporarily. Find permanence. It’s time to realize that your emotions in the moment are fleeting and that protecting your heart and mental health are 100% more important.

Just. Wake. Up. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to just suck it up and do what’s best for you. Even if it hurts. Even if it sucks. You’ll be stronger for it. Love your future self enough to make the hard choices now. You are never given an obstacle or challenge that neither God or the Universe doesn’t think you can handle. This is preparing you for something better.

Just remember:

Rekindling these relationships with people who have hurt us has to do with self-worth issues. Trying to break free from a toxic relationship, and then returning to it, feeds and fuels an unhealthy cycle of low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. These feelings can make us believe that we are undeserving of, unworthy of, or not good enough for a better love. This idea is heartbreaking—we are all deserving of love and healthy companionship.

What’s healthy? A healthy relationship is one where your partner brings out the best in you, and you them, where you feel safe and secure, where you have shared goals and values, and where you are both equally emotionally invested in each other and in your future together. It’s never too late to break free from pain. It is never too late to have the love you rightfully deserve with the person that respects you as much as you respect yourself.

At the end of the day, it isn’t about them, it is about you. It is about believing in yourself and understanding your value and worth. That you are worthy of being loved and seen for who you really are. But before someone can truly appreciate all of this? You have to love yourself.

You have to love yourself fiercely, loyally, unconditionally, and unapologetically.